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Couple's Therapy

When a couple comes to therapy, many times things have been said and done to damage what was once a relationship that both members of the couple chose to enter into. When I work with couples, I am brought continually back to a notion that when one chooses who to be with, one is often looking to fill in gaps in experiences or skill that one knows is missing in the self. Finding these areas that couples complement each other is often a joy, since it often uncovers that together the couple is stronger than either person realizes.

There are many paths to take in couple's work, but often the first path is one of understanding. I often will begin by coming to understand each perspective in its unique view of the world, and attempt to find where misunderstandings and wounds have taken place. Once that becomes clear, there is often a process in which couples can do much of the rest of the work.

Sometimes things are so entrenched that this is difficult, though. Habits and patterns can be unlearned but not undone, and when problems have existed for years, it tends to take some very creative and interesting approaches to re-engage with each other. This is one of my favorite types of work.

FAQ

Is it too late?

If you are coming to couple's therapy, it is not too late. If you are looking at this page, it is not too late. If you want things to get better, it is not too late. Couples will often come in feeling as though they are on the brink of divorce, but in discussing things further, it becomes clear how much each person wants to work. The definition of a good parent is a parent that wants to be a better parent. It's very much the same for couples. Staying healthy is an ongoing process for ALL couples, even the ones that appear to be going well. Loving another person is work. Anyone who says otherwise either isn't aware of the work they are doing, or they are not likely to remain in a relationship for long. 

All this being said, there are some signs that might indicate that a couple is likely to need a lot of support in staying together. John Gottman refers to these as the "4 horsemen of the apocalypse." If all 4 behaviors are present, this tends to a statistically significant difference in the likelihood for divorce.

Is it too early? Things could be much worse for us.  Isn't couple's therapy for people who are about to get divorced?

There is no such thing as 'too early' for couple's therapy. There are a number of things that can be learned and assessed early on in a couple's relationship that can give a couple a stronger foundation that the relationship can be built on. When two people come together, there are inevitably differences in personality, experience and perspective that are easier to work through with a 3rd party to offer support for both parties. Either way, waiting until things get worse is not a good strategy in any situation. There is no harm in asking a professional opinion about what you might be able to do to make a relationship as healthy as possible. 

What is the best thing to do if my partner and I can't stop fighting?

The best thing to do initially if this is a consistent problem is to become individually aware of when a "discussion" turns into a "fight." Fights often start with discussions, but one or both people become emotionally flooded and begin to need to protect themselves rather than seek to understand the others perspective. It's important to understand that most people don't get into fights because they want to hurt the other person, it happens because something was said or done that caused their brains to go into fight or flight- the neural system that is responsible for survival. If a person is trying to 'survive' they are not likely to try to understand their partner's perspective. 

If one can become aware of this point where a discussion turns into a fight, typically one or both can bring their bodies into an emotionally regulated state. Sometimes this is easier said than done, though... That's where couple's therapy is helpful. 

What if my partner doesn't want to come?

This is one of the most challenging things to be faced with as a partner, when you want things to change, and your partner doesn't see the need. Many times this comes from a place where couple's therapy is seen as something that one only needs to do if one is on the brink of divorce. Coming to couple's therapy becomes an experience of admitting that things are much worse than one thought, and it becomes something to fear rather than something to embrace. A good way to phrase things if a partner is not interested in coming into therapy is that you want to go talk to someone to get a different perspective. Admit that you are also unsure whether things are bad enough to come to couples therapy, and you can then ask a professional about their opinion. As I mentioned previously, there is no such thing as 'too early' for couple's therapy. 

If your partner is still not interested in coming, individual therapy is a first step that you can take to evaluate what to do or to seek help in finding strategies that convince your partner to try it out.